When I was in India, one of the things I noticed is how there are no rules of the road. Cars do not necessarily keep right except to pass. Sometimes they even pass on the inside right. And they often head straight out into traffic, playing chicken with oncoming speeding cars. There are no rules for pedestrians it seems either, sidewalks are mob scenes, no polite keeping to the right. And you take your life in your hands when boarding buses or trains. It is a fight to the death to get through the doors. I was thinking of this as I weaved and dodged my way along a 4th Avenue sidewalk yesterday, noticing more and more how our rules of the road have been slowly breaking down.
In the sixties, when I was in elementary school, Dad used to say that Vancouverites were the most courteous drivers anywhere. Not anymore. Red light running is common. And it’s not just the ordinary man or woman, it’s people on the job, supposedly there to serve us. The other day as I waited for the light to change so I could safely step into the crosswalk, I saw a guy in a Park Board truck race through a very rosy yellow light while looking down at his cell phone. I regularly ask transit and cab drivers to please not talk on their phones when I am a passenger. On the sidewalks, more and more people are ignoring these rules, keeping left or hogging the middle so you can’t pass, and no one seems to pay any attention to the bike path signs. At the Broadway and Commercial SkyTrain station, people rush on to the train now before passengers have exited.
Remember that book by Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? His list and commentary on basic common decency included: share, play fair, don’t hit, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Are they still teaching these things in kindergarten I wonder? Maybe it’s just that we are moving so fast now, our brains so distracted and fragmented by constant stimuli, that we think we don’t have time for these bothersome rules designed to keep us safe and somewhat orderly.
I for one don’t want to live in a society that pushes and shoves its way through life. I’m off to the pool for a sit in the hot tub, followed by a long, slow, relaxing swim in lanes that have nice clear “keep right except to pass signs.” Most swimmers obey the rules, except for the odd bully speedster who swims over you like an SUV.
When I was writing the chapter on international aid for my latest book, I relied heavily on two reports out of the Oakland Institute and also interviewed Anuradha Mittal, the executive director. The Oakland Institute is a think tank based in, where else, Oakland, California. They focus on social, economic and environmental policy issues and have done a lot of work on the topic of food security. They’ve recently released another excellent report out of the Global Development and Environment Institute and the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy, this one is called “Resolving the Food Crisis: Assessing Global Policy Reforms Since 2007″. Authors Timothy A. Wise and Sophia Murphy look at the spikes in global food prices and how the international community responded to the crisis. They acknowledge some of the important policies that were implemented, but identify deeper structural reforms that must take place to avoid a recurrence of the 2007-8 and 2010-11 crises. Their assessment looks at policies implemented by the UN, the G-20, the World Bank and international donors. While they applaud the increased attention to agricultural development, especially small-scale farmers and the effects of climate change on farming, policy reforms still fall short. The three main areas of concern are: financial speculation on the commodities market and it’s susceptibility to wild price swings; the amount of land used to grow biofuels; and the rampant land grab primarily by corporations that has forced many small farmers off their land in developing countries. The authors offer concrete proposals, for example, to increase the use of food reserves to limit volatility on the commodities market, to further develop agriculture in order to reduce dependence on food imports. The onus is on rich countries, they say, it is their agricultural policies that most contribute to the fragility and volatility of the global food system.
There are many other reports and policy briefs on their web site if you are inclined to delve deeper into the topics of land grabs, international aid and more. The organization welcomes donations, so if you are able, please support their excellent work.
Theft at community gardens has always been a problem. I tend to grow things that people are less likely to swipe, either because they have no idea what it is and how to cook it, or it can’t be swiftly picked. Crops like kale, chard, loose lettuce mixes rather than heads of lettuce are less likely to go, while tomatoes, peppers, fruits and berries tend to be prime targets.
The Town of Todmorden in Britain has turned unwelcome thievery on its head. In fact, they invite it. Incredible Edible Todmorden, a local food group, has planted guerrilla food gardens all over the town, including at the cemetery. The whole town is welcome to pick from the plots, the food ones, not the um, people ones. Check out their pocket picking gardens.
They’ve started the balcony renovations on my building. The whole place is draped in blue tarps. It is an eerie, muted environment to live in, that is, the light is muted, not the sounds of demolition. I am forced to keep my drapes closed too; all day long I see shadowy men who walk on the scaffolding or on the diminishing balcony. On the lower floors, the entire patios are now part of the construction zone and used to gather and sort the materials. Not everything can just be dumped wholesale at the landfill anymore. Deconstruction and salvaging materials for reuse in new buildings is the best practice for progressive companies. Clearly not everyone knows that. Yesterday I spotted a resident from my building cleaning up his patio, throwing all the debris over the fence into the alley. I found out later that he threw it all into the construction waste bin. So nothing was sorted and likely recyclable materials will wind up at the landfill. If they are caught and fined, then that expense will be passed on to our strata and residents. Never mind that he is not permitted in the construction area. It is a mystery how he actually got in, as the patio doors are blocked.
Waste from the construction, demolition and renovation sectors makes up about a third of the region’s waste. According to the Metro Van web site, wood waste from residents and businesses accounts for 22% of it. More than half of the construction and demolition related wastes can be recycled and have no business being thrown away. Many items are already banned from the landfill, like gypsum drywall, concrete with heavy rebar, any materials with asbestos, wood waste and more. Metro Vancouver has a great BuildSmart guide on their web site, a tool kit for Demolition, Land Clearing and Construction with a list of banned materials.
In Vancouver alone, about 62 houses are torn down every month with 40 tonnes of materials generated from each home. Last March, as part of its Greenest City Initiative, the City of Vancouver ran a pilot home deconstruction and renovation project with 20 inner city youth. More than 86% of the construction materials from the two homes was recycled. Windows, hardwood floors, lumber, and more all diverted from the landfill and incinerator.
The City of Vancouver is now working on policies that will support the deconstruction industry in Vancouver.
Before Christmas, my friend and I were downtown one evening and decided to go see the Christmas trees on display at the Four Seasons Hotel. The Festival of Trees is an annual fundraiser for the BC Children’s Hospital Foundation. One tree caught my eye. It was called the Still Fabulous Tree. Still Fabulous is the name of the thrift shop jointly operated by the Auxiliaries to BC Children’s and BC Women’s Hospitals. Two volunteers had decorated the tree with doll clothes collected from the store. Fun to look at and great advertising for a store that is all about reuse and raises money for a wonderful cause.
Photo credit: Megan Hanna
But here’s why I was so struck. Many years ago, right before Christmas, I was one of several people let go from a local ad agency in Vancouver. We were all upset of course and the timing was rotten, but we made the best of the Christmas celebrations before we packed our desks. That year, each of us was to make our own Christmas decoration to hang on the tree in our lobby. I took an old pair of lacey pink underwear and turned them into a pink slip. Put it on a tiny doll hanger and hung it on the tree. I thought it was pretty hilarious. So did my friends at work. The bosses, not so much, but what could they do, fire me?
For all of you who may have received a pink slip before Christmas, hope you can hang on to your sense of humour.
P.S. Shopping at thrift stores is a great way to cut corners.
Every morning I read an entry from Words To Live By from author Eknath Easwaran. The subtitle on the edition I have is: A Daily Guide to Leading an Exceptional Life. The readings regularly inspire and uplift me. And although I read it year after year, some entries resonate more than others, depending on what’s happening for me and the world around me. The January 6th entry really struck me this year. It seems to be what many of us are feeling right now. The Occupy Movement is one way those feelings are being expressed. Here is the excerpt:
There comes a time in the growth of civilizations, as with individuals, when the life-and-death questions of material existence have been answered, yet the soul still thirsts and physical challenges cease to satisfy. Then we stand at a crossroads, for without meaningful aspiration, the human being turns destructive. Like a snake that must shed its skin to grow, our industrial civilization must shed its material outlook or strangle in outgrown ideals whose constructive potential has been spent.
– Eknath Easwaran, Words To Live By (Nilgiri Press, 2005)
I love reading book acknowledgements. They give another layer of information as to how the author went about creating the book and who helped along the way. Even though it is possible to download 30 percent of my new book for free, you won’t be able to see the Acknowledgements page. So I have decided to publish them here so that everyone will know who helped me and how grateful I am, regardless of whether or not you are able to buy the book.
This book was written over the span of a decade or so and there are countless people who helped bring it to life. I will try to express my gratitude to as many as I can here. But if I have left you out, please forgive me.
First thank you to Michael Levenston, the original City Farmer, who gave me such a wonderful grounding in urban agriculture and helped me to venture beyond the compost bin. Merci beaucoup to the late Wes Barrett, who taught me how to garden without me even knowing it, and influenced my political life in subtle ways. And to all my wonderful, former companions at the Vancouver Compost Garden, the gang who inspired the original episode of the animated film version of Something’s Rotten out of which grew this new book.
Thank you to all farmers, urban and rural who grow our food. Specific thanks for interviews and inspiration to Ray Barker; Claus Beckmann; Mark Bomford and all the farmers and gardeners at UBC Farm; Craig Heighway; Risa Lin; Jordan Maynard; Patrick Murphy; Fred Reid; Ward Teulon; and Ting Wu.
Thanks to the many “characters” in these lines who indulged my penchant for storytelling: Sylvia Holland; Greg Hook; Dan Jason; Catherine Kerr; André LaRivière; Naufus Ramirez-Figueroa; Sally Shivers; and my ever so tolerant traveling companions Hallie Moore and Anne Gates. And for the interviews, many thanks to: Herb Barbolet; Nancy Clark; Mike Evans; Clemencia Gomez; Rhonda Alvarez Licona; Rose Mancini; Zarko Torbica; Larry (Tristan) Trotter and Yoka Van Den Berg.
There are many wonderful organizations fighting for farmland, farmers’ rights and for healthy and equitable food access, some of their work is showcased in these lines. Full praise and admiration to my local heroes Michael Ableman; Corky Evans; Arzeena Hamir; Dan Jason; and Harold Steves. Kudos also to the community gardeners and the neighborhood food networks including my own Westside Food Collaborative and all its valiant members. There are many other equivalent groups working hard throughout the lower mainland and around the province.
I leaned heavily on the work and websites of many national and international groups as well. Thank you to Banana Link; EarthSave; Environmental Working Group; ETC Group; Fairtrade Labelling Organizations International (FLO); FoodShare Toronto; Global Exchange; GRAIN; Greenpeace; Oakland Institute; Oxfam; People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA); Pesticide Action Network of North America (PANNA); Slow Food International; Small Planet Institute; Stop Community Food Center; UN Habitat. On my rock star list are the late Rachel Carson; Herman Daly; Derrick Jensen; Frances Moore Lappé; George Monbiot; Michael Pollan; Percy Schmeiser; Dr. Vandana Shiva; and Dr. David Suzuki.
Great help on the research front, in random order: Vicky Baker; Kay Rumsey, the librarian at Northwest Coalition for Alternatives to Pesticides; Dr. Charles Benbrook, Chief Scientist at The Organic Center; Ken Hayter at Linden Gardens; at the University of BC: Doug Kilburn, Professor emeritus, Michael Smith Laboratories and Department of Microbiology & Immunology, Joerg Bohlmann, plant molecular biologist and Hennie Van Vuuren, Head of the Wine Research Institute; Dr. Christiana Miewald; Nathan Edelson; Heather Pottery; Adrienne Jinkerson; Olivio Argenti at the Food and Agriculture Organization; Patrick Condon, UBC Design Center for Sustainability; Pauline Dole and Isabelle Bourgeault-Tasse, International Development Research Center (IDRC); Mark Sweeney and other staff at the BC Ministry of Agriculture and Lands and the Agriculture and Land Commission; Hope Shand, then at ETC Group and Charlie Shymko after she left; Sharron Tulk, BC Restaurant & Food Services Association; Ben Milne, EarthSave Canada; Alex Arnaud Assanvo,Global Product Manager, Cocoa, at FLO; Adrienne Fitch-Frankel at Global Exchange; Devlin Kuyek at GRAIN; Miriam Palacios at Oxfam Canada; Anna Lappé at Small Planet Institute.
I took two research trips, the first one to Guatemala, which would have been much harder without the planning help of Steve Stewart at Co-Development Canada and the tour guiding and translation skills of Kirsten Daub, now at Café Etico. Muchas gracias to all the staff at the Campesino Committee of the Highlands (CCDA) for their generous hospitality. And thanks Mike Roberts and Fernando for the great coffee and chats. Make sure you go to their cafés if you’re ever in Guatemala.
For the India trip, first of all thanks to the Lappés for providing a great trip plan in their book Hope’s Edge (Tarcher Putnam, 2002). Thank you so much Janet and Richard McPhee for the bonus points and Anne Gates for the masterful travel planning! Namaste to Dr. Shiva and her warm staff at Navdanya, both in Delhi and Dehradun; to Nancy’s friend Susie for some hotel advice in Delhi; and to Arshad B. and friend for touring us around.
Dr. Mark Roseland, Director at Simon Fraser University’s (SFU) Center for Sustainable Community Development deserves recognition for first funding my exploration into sustainability tours, then encouraging me to continue. The regional tours I was developing evolved into the course I now co-facilitate at SFU.
In no particular order, bits and pieces of vital help, information and resources were filled in by: Brent Mansfield at Grandview Elementary; Devorah Kahn; Randy Hooper, Discovery Organics; Eve Johnson; Mari Fujita at global studio Vancouver; Herb Barbolet; Peter G. Prontzos, Department of Political Science, Langara College; Tara McDonald at Your Local Farmers Market Society; Zoe Campbell then at GLOBE Foundation for WUF; Joe Foy and Andrea Reimer at the Western Canada Wilderness Committee; Asseffa Kebede; Donna Passmore; Wendy Mendes, City of Vancouver; Olga Schwartzkopf, the Soil and Water Conservation Society; Robert Butler, BC Potato and Vegetable Growers Association; Robert Chernomas at the University of Manitoba; Cathleen Kneen and Brewster Kneen at the Ram’s Horn; Wayne Roberts, now retired Toronto Food Policy Coordinator; Doug Aason at the Greater Vancouver Food Bank; Karen Rideout; Sharon Rempel; Rick Balfour and Rex Weyler from Vancouver Peak Oil; Terry Dixon; Fin Donnelly, Rivershed Society of BC; Lisa McIntosh at Urban Harvest; Ramona Scott, then at TLC BC; Heather Pritchard, Bonita Magee and Jeff Nield from Farm Folk City Folk; Deb Foote and Rochelle Eisen at COABC; Jan Nimmo; James MacKinnon and Alisa Smith.
I so appreciate my chapter reviewers: Abra Brynne then at BC Food Security Network (Dream Job); Kirsten Daub, Café Etico (Good to the Last Drop); Rochelle Eisen, then at Certified Organic Association of BC (Farming the Middle Path); Lisa Gue at the David Suzuki Foundation (Silence Spring!); Anuradha Mittal, Oakland Institute (The Myth Stakes); Timothy Newman, International Labor Rights Forum (Drowning in the Ganges); Alistair Smith at Banana Link (Bananeras). Any remaining errors or omissions are mine.
Some of the chapter sections were originally written for CBC Radio’s North by Northwest (thank you Sheryl MacKay and Sheila Peacock!); Shared Vision Magazine; and the Georgia Straight newspaper, both print and on line. Thanks to them for the opportunity, editing help and the deadlines.
Many thanks to those who gave me advice or lent a hand with the publishing end of things: Cathy Barrett; Carol Flinders; my brother Don Gillard at Triggerfish Design for the cover and blog hosting and maintenance; Patsy Ludwick, trusted editor from my last book who worked with me on several drafts of this manuscript; David Tracey for formatting tips; Robert Ouimet at Big Snit, the original wiz behind my blog; and the talented and helpful crew at Smashwords.
I am blessed to have such amazing friends who allowed me to test out new material, helped with punch lines, attended my talks and willingly gave me their list of favorite wineries. An extra big hug to Nancy Clark (for chapter advice and contacts in India) and to Suzette Meyers, for hiring me to do some research work for a film (Hijacked Future) that coincided with research I needed, and especially for sending me the brilliant Jensen article from Orion. And love, so much love, to my dearest duo, who have seen me through darkness and light: Kath Poole, for so many refreshing times and the Bananeras statue; and Joan Bennett for the always optimistic forecasts.
I am eternally grateful to my supportive parents and family who were subjected to years of my healthier-than-thou attitude and conversion attempts. They never protest when I editorialize their lives and expose family secrets. They have hung in there with me through thick and thin, patiently bearing with me, until I finally understood that it was me who needed converting.
My deepest gratitude to Eknath Easwaran, it was his wise books that first planted the seeds of my passion for food issues. He also taught me that if something smells rotten out there, the first place you should look is in your own backyard.
After graduating from Animal Science at UBC fifteen years ago, Colin Hughes worked in the livestock industry, but that didn’t last too long. “I couldn’t bear the cruel and inhumane way animals were treated,” he said. He became a vegetarian and began to look for a different line of work. He was hired by BC Hothouse, entering the world of conventional, hydroponic greenhouse growing. He began as an Integrated Pest Management (IPM) monitor and eventually became a grower. In 2003, he left the industry to start his own greenhouse operation. His training at BC Hothouse would serve him well, but he wanted his greenhouse to be organic, a rarity in BC at the time. Without nearby mentors, he had to rely on books by Eliot Coleman.
He leased a half-acre of farmland in Delta, put up four small greenhouses and began to grow cherry and heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and eggplants – in soil – one of the main differences between the conventional and organic greenhouse systems.
“People thought I was crazy,” he said. Apparently the hydroponic people thought it wasn’t possible on a small scale and that growing in soil wouldn’t be as productive. The organic people didn’t think it would be possible to grow that intensively in soil. Celyddon (kel-i-thon) Farms is now in its eight year and certified by the Fraser Valley Organic Producers Association.
At first Hughes sold his entire crop to a local wholesale distributor. Now he sells exclusively at lower mainland farmers markets with help from his parents and sisters. He is able to get a better return for himself that way and offer his customers fair prices, about twenty-five percent less than they would pay in the grocery store. His customers are very loyal, turning up in the pouring rain because they can’t do without his delicious tomatoes; some even stop eating tomatoes during the winter when he’s not growing. Many people love to buy the pretty purple eggplants too, but don’t know what to do with them. So he provides recipes to encourage them to experiment.
Despite his popularity and loyal customer base, he hears a few complaints from time to time about his growing methods. Some people object to the few hybrid varieties he grows, but they only make up a small percentage of his crop. Hughes buys much of his seed from the Seed Savers Exchange; many of his heritage varieties come from Gary Ibsen in Carmel, California, known for his annual tomato fest.
There are also farmers market frequenters who are resistant to greenhouse grown products in general. But Hughes has a strong argument in favour.
“A greenhouse can produce five times as much in a given area as you would out in a field. You can grow more intensively and extend the growing season,” he says.
Organic tomatoes are very hard to grow in our wet lower mainland climate as well, but he uses that natural environment to his advantage. “Too much water will puff up the fruit and you lose flavour and nutrition.” He tries to dry land farm as much as possible. He starts early in the spring when the ground is saturated. Over the summer, the soil slowly dries; by August there is no moisture in the top two to three feet of soil. “That way the plants can root five to six feet into the ground and find their own water.” He uses his drip irrigation system more for feeding the plants than for irrigating; fish and kelp fertilizers deliver the needed nutrients through the drippers.
As he doesn’t grow through the winter, he relies on natural light. In March and April, he heats the greenhouse with hot water propane boilers. “Some people object to me using energy to heat the greenhouse, but forget that I am right on their doorstep, rather than having them trucked in from further away. If a backyard grown tomato is the equivalent of walking to work and a conventional hydroponic greenhouse equal to a single occupant car, then I am the same as taking the bus to work.”
His dream is to have a zero energy greenhouse, using geothermal for heating and wind turbines to produce the electricity. While the capital outlay will be huge, Hughes knows it will be worth it. He will be able to grow out of season and reduce his current energy use by one hundred percent.
“I think a greenhouse can be the backbone of any mixed farm,” he says. “It’s the most productive part of an operation. It’s only a problem if the greenhouses dominate the farm. On a ten acre farm, a half acre of greenhouses fits in well, gives the farmer a steady income and makes the farm more profitable.” Even on a half acre, he manages to mix in a couple other crops, he grows garlic and broccoli between the greenhouses. He also grows garlic under the peppers to ward off aphids, in addition to using the very effective garlic spray.
Colin's parents help out at the farmers markets
As for the name, the Hughes family has a Welsh background. Celyddon was the forest where King Arthur and Merlin the Magician hung out, a place of refuge and sanctuary. Hughes felt the name was a good fit for what he was trying to do. Turns out, this piece of land is a refuge for more than an organic greenhouse. He shares the farm with a large horse stable that runs an equine therapy program for people with physical disabilities or recovering from addiction.
The first sign was the tinsel strewn along the path as I ran down to Kits Beach yesterday. Then the intoxicating scent of evergreen in the air and the distant drone of machinery. Christmas Tree Chippingweekend, of course. Lots of events on over the next couple of weekends in the lower mainland and I’m sure other parts of the world too. In some cities, you can also put the tree out with your yard trimmings. Check your town website for more info on tree recycling. In honour of the mulching season, I dug this out from the Diary.
The Christmas Tree Shredding Ceremony
I’m serious about recycling, especially the composting variety. As City Farmer’s Compost Hotline Operator, I have to be. Still, I always try to find the lighter side of garbage. But is there a shred of humor in Christmas tree recycling? Apparently the Japanese think so. Recently, a caller told me about a taped episode of Japanese “reality television” that he’d seen at a karaoke party. This popular game show travels the world filming staged and real events. The contestants must then determine which events are true to life. That’s how our city of Vancouver Christmas Tree Recycling program became famous in Japan.
As I heard it, the segment opens at the Vancouver landfill in Delta where we are about to witness a bizarre Christmas ritual. Even in Japan, West Coasters are known to be environmentally sensitive, so naturally we take our tree “burials” very seriously. Performing the sacred rites were: Garbage Head, Paul Henderson; Angel Singh from the Parks Board; and the Reverend Rudolph, who had a very shiny nose. The three, dressed in furtrimmed hard hats and flowing fleece robes, clustered around the tree chipper which was bedecked with flashing icicle minilights. While Paul picked a few strands of tinsel off the tree, Angel Singh wrestled with the stand that was stuck to its trunk. Finally, they fed the tree lovingly into the mouth of the shredder and hit the switch. In a flurry of chips and artificial snow, the Reverend began to shout solemnly.
“We are gathered around this Christmas tree, so evergreen have its branches been, to honor this king of the woodland scene. Once the pride of the mountain side, then cut down to grace our Christmas tide.” He lit some incense and waved it over the half shredded tree. “And now as we shred you in your winter prime, may you bring new life in verdant spring time.”
Rudy wiped his runny, shiny nose. “Please join me in singing, Oh Christmas Tree.”
Paul and Angel Singh sang along. Then they each lit a candle and planted it in the little pile of wood chips that was the Christmas tree. The ceremony ended in a moment of silence.
Okay, so if you were a contestant, you’d think the landfill ritual was a hoax, right? That’s what I thought, too, until I started digging a little deeper. I called a couple of members of the Lions Club (the charity that runs the city’s neighborhood chipping events) to check the rumor out. Both members danced around my question. I talked to Brian Johnston first.
“Have you heard about this bizarre Christmas tree shredding ceremony they’ve been performing at the Vancouver landfill?” I asked.
“Oh, that rumor has been circulating since we started the program in the early 1990s. I can’t say if it’s true.”
“You can’t or you won’t?” I pressed.
“Well, people do seem to believe in this annual recycling rite. Some of them go to a lot of trouble to get their trees to us at the local chipping events,” he said.
According to Brian, some bungy-cord it to their bikes; others harness the trees to their dogs and drag it in husky-style. Last year someone stuffed their tree into a garbage can on wheels and roller-bladed behind it.
“So do you believe there’s a blessing ceremony?” I asked.
“Well, if you watch the kids’ faces when their trees are being chipped and see them wave good-bye with their little mittened hands…” Brian’s voice broke with emotion. “I guess for them it is a little like having their trees blessed before we return them to the earth.”
When I asked Terry McKenzie, another Lions’ Club member, the same question, she too was evasive.
“Well, we don’t do anything too weird at the chipping events,” she said. “We put up our own little Christmas tree and hang all the forgotten decorations on it.”
“Have you ever had any unusual things left on the trees?” I asked.
“Oh sure, haven’t you ever received a gift you’d like to shred? We get the odd mouth-retainer, too, but my personal favorite was the pair of French kissing hens.”
Okay, not much help there. I decided to go straight to the source. I called up Paul Henderson at the Vancouver landfill. When I asked him about the ceremony, he said, “Look, all I’ll say is this. People want to know that their trees’ lives haven’t been sacrificed in vain, that they’ve served a purpose greater than a light rack. Over the years, we’ve recycled hundreds of thousands of Christmas trees and their remains are composted in our yard- waste composting facility here at the landfill. That product is then spread around Vancouver parks and sold to landscapers and residents as a rich organic fertilizer. If that isn’t a higher purpose, I don’t know what is.”
“Do you have a copy of the tape?” I asked, anxious for proof that this ceremony existed.
“I did have a tape,” he said. “But I lent it to a friend of mine to take to a karaoke party.”
“And?” I said.
“The VCR ate it. Yup, not a shred of evidence left.”
So you decide: reality or fiction? Personally, I choose to believe in the Christmas Tree Shredding Ceremony. It reminds me of the time that, with hands on hips, I asked my mother, “Is there or is there not a Santa Claus?”
And she replied, “For those who believe, there is.”
I’m in the hellish final throes of final report writing and in no mood for posting anything compost-related or in fact anything heavy in nature. And that’s final. Which is why I’m opting (some might call it a cop out) for a light-hearted joke about an environmentalist. I was invited out to a friend’s for Christmas Eve dinner this year and we were all told to bring a small gift (under $5) and a joke so that we could make our own Christmas crackers upon arrival. I brought a little angel ornament, a Ferrero Rocher chocolate (I bought a box, set one aside for the cracker and guess where the rest wound up) and my joke. When we got there, my friend had a table set up with cut up tubes from Christmas paper wrapping (you could use toilet paper rolls), wrapping and ribbon. It was fun. We each then selected a cracker before dinner. When one of the guests opened mine he exclaimed, “Wow, I didn’t get a joke I got a novel.” Spot the writer (although I did not write this, found it on the internet). Anyways, here it is.
An environmentalist dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an environmentalist, you’re in the wrong place.” Thinking that heaven could never make an error, the environmentalist reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the environmentalist gets dissatisfied with the environment in hell and starts implementing eco-friendly improvements. After a while, global warming, air and water pollution are under control. The landscape is covered with grass and plants, the food is organic, and the people are happy. The environmentalist has become a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got clean air and water, the temperature is better and the food tastes better, and there’s no telling what this environmentalist is going to fix next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an environmentalist? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an environmentalist on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
P.S. Doubly funny because my friend the host is a lawyer!
In the sixties, when I was in elementary school, Dad used to say that Vancouverites were the most courteous drivers anywhere. Not anymore. Red light running is common. And it’s not just the ordinary man or woman, it’s people on the job, supposedly there to serve us. The other day as I waited for the light to change so I could safely step into the crosswalk, I saw a guy in a Park Board truck race through a very rosy yellow light while looking down at his cell phone. I regularly ask transit and cab drivers to please not talk on their phones when I am a passenger. On the sidewalks, more and more people are ignoring these rules, keeping left or hogging the middle so you can’t pass, and no one seems to pay any attention to the bike path signs. At the Broadway and Commercial SkyTrain station, people rush on to the train now before passengers have exited.
